You're not that terrible of a person as the lie would make you. Even if you've killed to survive, it doesn't make you heartless. Every living thing wants to stay that way. That's why it's cruel...to call yourself that brutal.
[Shin Tsukimi is a good person. this is a hypothesis that may still survive.]
And I wouldn't have liked leaving it at that, I'd have hated it...but I would have. Until you were ready to speak on it, to open it back up.
[tucking herself a little more into the warmth, she sighs softly.]
...You don't have to say it's okay if it isn't, by the way. I won't lose control like that again.
...Sou Hiyori's that cruel. Or he's supposed to be... cruel people survive, right? [A hypothesis that's since been tested.] But, ahaha, maybe I really should have pinned it on Komaeda in the end. It's a lot more believable, since he actually did it...
[He's not sure why he didn't, took it all on himself. Maybe he just didn't trust Komaeda's commitment to the plan, to lie when asked. Shin knows his help was contingent only on his amusement, and that festering coal of dislike and disgust in him only has gotten worse. All the horrible squirming feelings about the one student he didn't save have a handy nearby sink in the person who killed them.
The idea that this facade was cruel to him and not just Helena isn't quite sticking, sliding off the teflon surface of his own mangling of himself, chewing off a leg, clawing and contorting himself into shape that's calcified and only managing a pale imitation for what turned out to be no good reason... it still feels as 'cruel' as that guy who had to cut off his own boulder-pinned hand with a pocketknife. Grim, maybe. Self-destructive... painful. Cruel?]
Hnmh.
[It's kind of sad that he doesn't really believe that. He took the wrong message from that disaster back then; not that Helena wouldn't look, but that he should let her... well, unless other people were in danger. But she's really insistent on it so... it's a non-committal kind of noise.]
...You waited until I couldn't get away, didn't you? You probably didn't even want to go swimming...
[You tricked him! It's a little sharp, partly because he can't believe he didn't notice and isn't happy about it, and also in making the point. That's not the action of someone who'd take 'oh I can't tell you' as an answer.]
Lose control, huh... I'd been expecting worse, actually.
[Yelling, insults, cut ties... maybe being outright smacked with her cane. The idea of everyone knowing where he is is, well, terrifying in a way Helena would know, but the edge is blunted a bit in that 'in his room' would have been a fairly safe bet anyway, and the door was locked... he won't think about the fact she can do that at any time, because if he starts thinking too much about that with any and all of the magic users here he'll turn into even more of a nervous wreck.]
Don't expect anything at all. It's not happening again.
[I'll make sure of it is threaded in that tone. she'll figure out how to bandage the raw and seeping wound of her own agitation, pack it full of snow so it goes numb. quiet, quiet, until it's sealed over and just leaves a scar, instead of running hot and infected, leaving her sick from its presence.
she has to be better than this. she has to be.]
...Swimming was an excuse, yeah, but I needed to talk to you in private. The pool was the only place I could think of where someone might not walk in at the wrong moment. Even this room...if Sara was here, how could we talk openly?
[there's a small shuffling, as she adjusts position.]
[There's a steel threaded throughout her words, and Shin isn't really equipped to unpack all that, as much control as he tries and often fails to keep over himself so... he'll leave it at that for now.]
Could I now? We could have just talked in the pool building, you know.
[It's just a touch sardonic. Once he's grasped onto a conclusion he's loath to second-guess himself just because he was tied in knots with the rope of his own benefit of the doubt previously. But he's fairly sure it wasn't a coincidence it was then. She blocked the pool ladder too... but it's a bit harder to be sure on that one, which doesn't feel as planned.]
Ah, well, Sara already knows....
[His gaze has shifted away by habit, hand on scarf.]
She uh... Ahaha, I guess the second time I was a lot more convincing, huh?
[Or maybe she's just seen you at the lowest possible point you can stoop, Shin.]
[There's a flash of fear, hidden as fast as it appears. He can feel the wheel of history repeating, turning.]
...
......
...
You... shouldn't trust anyone, Helena.
[Even he knows that's a bit... much, though. He sounds like an anime villain... but it's important. He still has a chance.]
I-I mean, you should trust people but... it pays to be careful, right? There's some bad people out there. And if they hurt you, if just being around them doesn't feel great a lot of the time... You can keep giving someone chances, and try to be understanding, and make excuses, and they'll... it won't change. They won't. You can only...
[Do what? Shin never found a solution. Far away, someone else's murder he had nothing to do with or knew about stopped it. A well he was throwing himself, piece by piece, down. Trying to pretend Midori was just bad with people, like him, that he didn't know rather than didn't care, worse than didn't care, found it fun... that maybe if Shin was patient enough and his friend enough, he'd understand and get better about it over time, and maybe, this was just what friendship was like?
It took long, painful time to realize it shouldn't be. The full extent of it. Left to inexpertly set the shattered bone himself in an empty apartment, going over it over and over. The creeping horror on realizing something that there might still be more, and that hasn't stopped now that he's dead. Maybe he's a little selfish, in his reluctance to open the box of more puzzle pieces, to let the thing lie dead.
He hopes it's obvious why he doesn't blame her for using the stick on him, why he wouldn't blame her for being sick of having anything to do with him, and why her words and actions now fill him with such ill fear. He really, really does.]
Ahaha, well, doubting others... I said I didn't want you to end up doing that, didn't I? S-sorry. For such a stupid pointless lie.
[He's had a few hours to go over it, hasn't had much of a choice really, and... while it had a point in being told to the school... what was he expecting would happen, telling it to her? He really should have just left or dodged the issue...]
[for a long moment, she's quiet, and then there's shuffling - she extracts herself out of the kotatsu and crawls around to the other side where he is, until she's next to him. by now, they've spent enough time together that she has a rough idea of how tall he is, could find him if she tried. it means her reaching out with one hand does connect with his cheek, a featherlight touch on his skin that doesn't overly linger, knowing how he had frozen beneath her touch before.
connection, because she can. because she hears what he's afraid of, because there are scars that time can only make bearable, people you were supposed to trust who lied to you, who failed you. but you can't call them horrible for it, not even when they were suffocating to be around. Helena doesn't know how many cuts he has, how deep they go, but she knows pain, and wishes somehow this will help.
where she ends up when she pulls back is her hand on his, and then the other joining it, holding it securely. warmth, that doesn't squeeze or pinch. just noting that his hand is cold, so it can be held. she is making her own decision on who to trust, who to doubt.]
...If you're worried about becoming that sort of person, then you never will become them. Your heart is too strong to fade away.
[breathe, she wants to tell him. it's okay to be uncertain, to be scared. it doesn't mean she's turning around and running away from him because he isn't perfect. scars and all - that's how they are.]
[He can see it coming, breathe out and tell himself it's just Helena. Her hands are warm.]
Poetic...
[It feels like his heart's the opposite of strong, a lot of the time, literally and metaphorically. Or... well if he thinks about it too hard he'll feel like he wants to peel off his skin, like his body doesn't belong to him, so he usually tries not to.]
...Worried about becoming them... That would require I'm not already, ahaha.
[That's what he's worried about. It's been six months since he killed Shin Tsukimi and became Sou Hiyori to the best of his ability, and now he doesn't know who he is, a jagged, mangled mess of both maybe, broken glass and twisted metal of a collision.
Not turning and running away... that's the problem. What does he actually want?]
This is about you, not me, though. If you... had enough, I wouldn't blame you.
[It's a little bit of a nudge, with the repeated refrain, but it really is, in the sense that it has effect on her. She's not some uninvolved outside observer.]
[here, with her cane on the other side, with the door shut on them. still extending trust to him, with her hands warming his. wouldn't be apologizing for using her power on him, promising it wouldn't happen again. she won't break like glass from a harsh word or a misunderstanding.
if he was really an awful person, he wouldn't do the things she does. she doesn't know the extent of Shin Tsukimi, what comprises him in full, but what pieces he allows give a different impression than that jarring, poisonous facade.]
[Maybe it's... just the sort of thing you just can't see, when you're that close, have that trust and loyalty in your heart. Can't say, not to yourself, definitely not to their face. Can't hear, because listening would mean giving it some space of considered truth.
If she's staying the only thing he can do then is his best. To not repeat past mistakes... to not make future ones. To... not be what Sou Hiyori was to him, to her, those who've placed parts of themselves in his hands. It's a terrifying prospect, but there's a kernel of this in his chest, already built up over time, at the core of it. He can do this, because there isn't really another choice he wouldn't hate himself further for.
...If only he had some idea of what he's doing. This whole thing started because he thought lives would be in danger if it didn't. They might still be.]
Guessing you'll be wanting an explanation...
[He doesn't know she's talked with Ranger about this... he knows she must have worked out it was a lie and probably some extrapolations from there, but he owes her the truth. And also... it'll explain why he'd want her to keep it secret herself, now that she knows.]
[at that, her expression goes a little more reserved, almost guilty. she doesn't let go, but he'll get the sense that if she needed to avert her eyes, she would be.]
...No need. I...spoke with Mr. Ranger.
[which is precisely what he said not to do. her own pain didn't negate that, but she hopes he can at least find some understanding as to why.]
[...why is it that feels worse than just smacking him one? Probably because it feels like a betrayal. He knew she's the sort to hunt down the truth, and yet there's a moment where he's very carefully not saying the first, pointed remarks that come to mind.]
...He told you everything? Then I guess I don't need to.
[He mostly said that because he suspected Ranger didn't want to be bothered with requests to use the coffin more that Shin already had been, so if Ranger isn't upset about Helena knowing, then it's not an issue. Still. It's not a great feeling.]
[in the silence, she feels her guilt prickling at her even more acutely. turning like a gear inside her, clicking slowly as it moves. her head bows a little, and she's quiet until his last words, where she nods. she can keep a secret. she's been keeping secrets. this one wasn't a secret she wanted to keep from him - but as to the circumstances, she can lock that up tight.]
I can.
[she hasn't even once slipped in trying to call him Shin when she should be using Sou.]
[She's... plainly feeling bad about it so... that's kind of enough, isn't it? He wouldn't know if she's slipped in saying his name or not, but he did trust her with it, and this is just an extended line of that trust, building that bridge a little further over that chasm.]
They're not in stasis like the other students, but lying low... [Where-ever students go when they go 'home' for the day, as per Shin's insistent instruction.] So it's best if this doesn't get out, ahaha. For two months, at least. Seems people can come back after at least that much, if Inaba's any clue.
[...]
I... one didn't...
[Trust him. And... ended up dying. Shin's been wrestling with people trusting him and being put in danger because of it, it fits in line with how the world works for him, but this hurts in a way he's only felt once before, when everyone placed their trust in someone else he was sure would betray them all in the end, instead of him, who was trying to defeat them. It's... different as well from that again. All he has is the sense that he failed, should have tried better.]
Well, that person I was pretending to be... That must have been what they saw. Prudent, of them...
[she won't minimize this grief he's carrying by telling him it was inevitable, or most of them was still a victory. those are things he knows, things he feels - but this still hurts. it hurts every time you can't save everyone. it doesn't mean that one won't haunt him like a ghost, a chain about his neck.
instead, she'll exist, reaching to take his other hand, and warm that one as well. it's another injury to patch up, to stitch closed. more blood to lose.]
[Well, it's the sort of thing that's said, isn't it? He'll let her hold both his hands, staring down at the kotatsu's wooden top in thought, which means his gaze drifts across her glasses. It's strange when they're usually such a constant fixture on her face.]
You know, I've been wondering why you wear these... Is it for the look? Err... the glasses, sorry.
It's all right. I'm surprised you didn't ask about it sooner...I mean, it's a little silly, isn't it? To wear them when I don't need them. But...they were a gift from my father, the same as my cane.
[though they had come later, more as an accessory to feel confident than for any real purpose. the cane had been essential, was so even when it had felt heavier in her hands, and then these...they had talked about "sharing eyes". leave it to him to make such a metaphor real.]
They're his old ones. He said I looked like a proper scholar with them on - I feel they're more like a good luck charm than anything else.
[So it's not that silly, right? He'd figured it would have been a little rude to ask... but she doesn't seem too bothered by it at least. He understands perfectly, more in bones than heart, the holding onto of objects once someone else's... even if it's complex, because he can't help but wonder given her mention of being trapped behind glass, her understanding of the way he lives not feeling great.]
Your father, huh. Haha, well, he's not wrong about that at least. You do look like you could be a librarian or scientist with them...
[It's a tiny little suspicion... he's been wrong about people before, too. He'll fold it up in wax paper. To someone from his world, the concept of sharing eyes would have been quite sensical if literal, to even greater extent beyond these two ways of perceiving the world.]
Kinda strange, thinking about it... Wonder when they got associated.
[Definitely at the point of Helena's old-timey year if this is any indication. A good luck charm...]
Edited (hm removed a bit i wasn't sure of) 2022-01-06 12:19 (UTC)
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no subject
[Shin Tsukimi is a good person. this is a hypothesis that may still survive.]
And I wouldn't have liked leaving it at that, I'd have hated it...but I would have. Until you were ready to speak on it, to open it back up.
[tucking herself a little more into the warmth, she sighs softly.]
...You don't have to say it's okay if it isn't, by the way. I won't lose control like that again.
cw gruesome imagery again? sorry
[He's not sure why he didn't, took it all on himself. Maybe he just didn't trust Komaeda's commitment to the plan, to lie when asked. Shin knows his help was contingent only on his amusement, and that festering coal of dislike and disgust in him only has gotten worse. All the horrible squirming feelings about the one student he didn't save have a handy nearby sink in the person who killed them.
The idea that this facade was cruel to him and not just Helena isn't quite sticking, sliding off the teflon surface of his own mangling of himself, chewing off a leg, clawing and contorting himself into shape that's calcified and only managing a pale imitation for what turned out to be no good reason... it still feels as 'cruel' as that guy who had to cut off his own boulder-pinned hand with a pocketknife. Grim, maybe. Self-destructive... painful. Cruel?]
Hnmh.
[It's kind of sad that he doesn't really believe that. He took the wrong message from that disaster back then; not that Helena wouldn't look, but that he should let her... well, unless other people were in danger. But she's really insistent on it so... it's a non-committal kind of noise.]
...You waited until I couldn't get away, didn't you? You probably didn't even want to go swimming...
[You tricked him! It's a little sharp, partly because he can't believe he didn't notice and isn't happy about it, and also in making the point. That's not the action of someone who'd take 'oh I can't tell you' as an answer.]
Lose control, huh... I'd been expecting worse, actually.
[Yelling, insults, cut ties... maybe being outright smacked with her cane. The idea of everyone knowing where he is is, well, terrifying in a way Helena would know, but the edge is blunted a bit in that 'in his room' would have been a fairly safe bet anyway, and the door was locked... he won't think about the fact she can do that at any time, because if he starts thinking too much about that with any and all of the magic users here he'll turn into even more of a nervous wreck.]
no subject
[I'll make sure of it is threaded in that tone. she'll figure out how to bandage the raw and seeping wound of her own agitation, pack it full of snow so it goes numb. quiet, quiet, until it's sealed over and just leaves a scar, instead of running hot and infected, leaving her sick from its presence.
she has to be better than this. she has to be.]
...Swimming was an excuse, yeah, but I needed to talk to you in private. The pool was the only place I could think of where someone might not walk in at the wrong moment. Even this room...if Sara was here, how could we talk openly?
[there's a small shuffling, as she adjusts position.]
You could have left any time you wanted.
no subject
...If you say so.
[There's a steel threaded throughout her words, and Shin isn't really equipped to unpack all that, as much control as he tries and often fails to keep over himself so... he'll leave it at that for now.]
Could I now? We could have just talked in the pool building, you know.
[It's just a touch sardonic. Once he's grasped onto a conclusion he's loath to second-guess himself just because he was tied in knots with the rope of his own benefit of the doubt previously. But he's fairly sure it wasn't a coincidence it was then. She blocked the pool ladder too... but it's a bit harder to be sure on that one, which doesn't feel as planned.]
Ah, well, Sara already knows....
[His gaze has shifted away by habit, hand on scarf.]
She uh... Ahaha, I guess the second time I was a lot more convincing, huh?
[Or maybe she's just seen you at the lowest possible point you can stoop, Shin.]
no subject
[one hand snakes out of the warmth to remove her glasses, reaching to gently toss them up to the kotatsu table.]
Can I? Or should I doubt you?
no subject
[There's a flash of fear, hidden as fast as it appears. He can feel the wheel of history repeating, turning.]
...
......
...
You... shouldn't trust anyone, Helena.
[Even he knows that's a bit... much, though. He sounds like an anime villain... but it's important. He still has a chance.]
I-I mean, you should trust people but... it pays to be careful, right? There's some bad people out there. And if they hurt you, if just being around them doesn't feel great a lot of the time... You can keep giving someone chances, and try to be understanding, and make excuses, and they'll... it won't change. They won't. You can only...
[Do what? Shin never found a solution. Far away, someone else's murder he had nothing to do with or knew about stopped it. A well he was throwing himself, piece by piece, down. Trying to pretend Midori was just bad with people, like him, that he didn't know rather than didn't care, worse than didn't care, found it fun... that maybe if Shin was patient enough and his friend enough, he'd understand and get better about it over time, and maybe, this was just what friendship was like?
It took long, painful time to realize it shouldn't be. The full extent of it. Left to inexpertly set the shattered bone himself in an empty apartment, going over it over and over. The creeping horror on realizing something that there might still be more, and that hasn't stopped now that he's dead. Maybe he's a little selfish, in his reluctance to open the box of more puzzle pieces, to let the thing lie dead.
He hopes it's obvious why he doesn't blame her for using the stick on him, why he wouldn't blame her for being sick of having anything to do with him, and why her words and actions now fill him with such ill fear. He really, really does.]
Ahaha, well, doubting others... I said I didn't want you to end up doing that, didn't I? S-sorry. For such a stupid pointless lie.
[He's had a few hours to go over it, hasn't had much of a choice really, and... while it had a point in being told to the school... what was he expecting would happen, telling it to her? He really should have just left or dodged the issue...]
no subject
connection, because she can. because she hears what he's afraid of, because there are scars that time can only make bearable, people you were supposed to trust who lied to you, who failed you. but you can't call them horrible for it, not even when they were suffocating to be around. Helena doesn't know how many cuts he has, how deep they go, but she knows pain, and wishes somehow this will help.
where she ends up when she pulls back is her hand on his, and then the other joining it, holding it securely. warmth, that doesn't squeeze or pinch. just noting that his hand is cold, so it can be held. she is making her own decision on who to trust, who to doubt.]
...If you're worried about becoming that sort of person, then you never will become them. Your heart is too strong to fade away.
[breathe, she wants to tell him. it's okay to be uncertain, to be scared. it doesn't mean she's turning around and running away from him because he isn't perfect. scars and all - that's how they are.]
no subject
[He can see it coming, breathe out and tell himself it's just Helena. Her hands are warm.]
Poetic...
[It feels like his heart's the opposite of strong, a lot of the time, literally and metaphorically. Or... well if he thinks about it too hard he'll feel like he wants to peel off his skin, like his body doesn't belong to him, so he usually tries not to.]
...Worried about becoming them... That would require I'm not already, ahaha.
[That's what he's worried about. It's been six months since he killed Shin Tsukimi and became Sou Hiyori to the best of his ability, and now he doesn't know who he is, a jagged, mangled mess of both maybe, broken glass and twisted metal of a collision.
Not turning and running away... that's the problem. What does he actually want?]
This is about you, not me, though. If you... had enough, I wouldn't blame you.
[It's a little bit of a nudge, with the repeated refrain, but it really is, in the sense that it has effect on her. She's not some uninvolved outside observer.]
no subject
[here, with her cane on the other side, with the door shut on them. still extending trust to him, with her hands warming his. wouldn't be apologizing for using her power on him, promising it wouldn't happen again. she won't break like glass from a harsh word or a misunderstanding.
if he was really an awful person, he wouldn't do the things she does. she doesn't know the extent of Shin Tsukimi, what comprises him in full, but what pieces he allows give a different impression than that jarring, poisonous facade.]
no subject
[Maybe it's... just the sort of thing you just can't see, when you're that close, have that trust and loyalty in your heart. Can't say, not to yourself, definitely not to their face. Can't hear, because listening would mean giving it some space of considered truth.
If she's staying the only thing he can do then is his best. To not repeat past mistakes... to not make future ones. To... not be what Sou Hiyori was to him, to her, those who've placed parts of themselves in his hands. It's a terrifying prospect, but there's a kernel of this in his chest, already built up over time, at the core of it. He can do this, because there isn't really another choice he wouldn't hate himself further for.
...If only he had some idea of what he's doing. This whole thing started because he thought lives would be in danger if it didn't. They might still be.]
Guessing you'll be wanting an explanation...
[He doesn't know she's talked with Ranger about this... he knows she must have worked out it was a lie and probably some extrapolations from there, but he owes her the truth. And also... it'll explain why he'd want her to keep it secret herself, now that she knows.]
no subject
...No need. I...spoke with Mr. Ranger.
[which is precisely what he said not to do. her own pain didn't negate that, but she hopes he can at least find some understanding as to why.]
no subject
[...why is it that feels worse than just smacking him one? Probably because it feels like a betrayal. He knew she's the sort to hunt down the truth, and yet there's a moment where he's very carefully not saying the first, pointed remarks that come to mind.]
...He told you everything? Then I guess I don't need to.
[He mostly said that because he suspected Ranger didn't want to be bothered with requests to use the coffin more that Shin already had been, so if Ranger isn't upset about Helena knowing, then it's not an issue. Still. It's not a great feeling.]
Can you keep a secret, Helena?
[Do you understand why it's important, in turn?]
no subject
I can.
[she hasn't even once slipped in trying to call him Shin when she should be using Sou.]
no subject
[She's... plainly feeling bad about it so... that's kind of enough, isn't it? He wouldn't know if she's slipped in saying his name or not, but he did trust her with it, and this is just an extended line of that trust, building that bridge a little further over that chasm.]
They're not in stasis like the other students, but lying low... [Where-ever students go when they go 'home' for the day, as per Shin's insistent instruction.] So it's best if this doesn't get out, ahaha. For two months, at least. Seems people can come back after at least that much, if Inaba's any clue.
[...]
I... one didn't...
[Trust him. And... ended up dying. Shin's been wrestling with people trusting him and being put in danger because of it, it fits in line with how the world works for him, but this hurts in a way he's only felt once before, when everyone placed their trust in someone else he was sure would betray them all in the end, instead of him, who was trying to defeat them. It's... different as well from that again. All he has is the sense that he failed, should have tried better.]
Well, that person I was pretending to be... That must have been what they saw. Prudent, of them...
...
no subject
[she won't minimize this grief he's carrying by telling him it was inevitable, or most of them was still a victory. those are things he knows, things he feels - but this still hurts. it hurts every time you can't save everyone. it doesn't mean that one won't haunt him like a ghost, a chain about his neck.
instead, she'll exist, reaching to take his other hand, and warm that one as well. it's another injury to patch up, to stitch closed. more blood to lose.]
no subject
[Well, it's the sort of thing that's said, isn't it? He'll let her hold both his hands, staring down at the kotatsu's wooden top in thought, which means his gaze drifts across her glasses. It's strange when they're usually such a constant fixture on her face.]
You know, I've been wondering why you wear these... Is it for the look? Err... the glasses, sorry.
no subject
[though they had come later, more as an accessory to feel confident than for any real purpose. the cane had been essential, was so even when it had felt heavier in her hands, and then these...they had talked about "sharing eyes". leave it to him to make such a metaphor real.]
They're his old ones. He said I looked like a proper scholar with them on - I feel they're more like a good luck charm than anything else.
no subject
[So it's not that silly, right? He'd figured it would have been a little rude to ask... but she doesn't seem too bothered by it at least. He understands perfectly, more in bones than heart, the holding onto of objects once someone else's... even if it's complex, because he can't help but wonder given her mention of being trapped behind glass, her understanding of the way he lives not feeling great.]
Your father, huh. Haha, well, he's not wrong about that at least. You do look like you could be a librarian or scientist with them...
[It's a tiny little suspicion... he's been wrong about people before, too. He'll fold it up in wax paper. To someone from his world, the concept of sharing eyes would have been quite sensical if literal, to even greater extent beyond these two ways of perceiving the world.]
Kinda strange, thinking about it... Wonder when they got associated.
[Definitely at the point of Helena's old-timey year if this is any indication. A good luck charm...]