[There's a flash of fear, hidden as fast as it appears. He can feel the wheel of history repeating, turning.]
...
......
...
You... shouldn't trust anyone, Helena.
[Even he knows that's a bit... much, though. He sounds like an anime villain... but it's important. He still has a chance.]
I-I mean, you should trust people but... it pays to be careful, right? There's some bad people out there. And if they hurt you, if just being around them doesn't feel great a lot of the time... You can keep giving someone chances, and try to be understanding, and make excuses, and they'll... it won't change. They won't. You can only...
[Do what? Shin never found a solution. Far away, someone else's murder he had nothing to do with or knew about stopped it. A well he was throwing himself, piece by piece, down. Trying to pretend Midori was just bad with people, like him, that he didn't know rather than didn't care, worse than didn't care, found it fun... that maybe if Shin was patient enough and his friend enough, he'd understand and get better about it over time, and maybe, this was just what friendship was like?
It took long, painful time to realize it shouldn't be. The full extent of it. Left to inexpertly set the shattered bone himself in an empty apartment, going over it over and over. The creeping horror on realizing something that there might still be more, and that hasn't stopped now that he's dead. Maybe he's a little selfish, in his reluctance to open the box of more puzzle pieces, to let the thing lie dead.
He hopes it's obvious why he doesn't blame her for using the stick on him, why he wouldn't blame her for being sick of having anything to do with him, and why her words and actions now fill him with such ill fear. He really, really does.]
Ahaha, well, doubting others... I said I didn't want you to end up doing that, didn't I? S-sorry. For such a stupid pointless lie.
[He's had a few hours to go over it, hasn't had much of a choice really, and... while it had a point in being told to the school... what was he expecting would happen, telling it to her? He really should have just left or dodged the issue...]
[for a long moment, she's quiet, and then there's shuffling - she extracts herself out of the kotatsu and crawls around to the other side where he is, until she's next to him. by now, they've spent enough time together that she has a rough idea of how tall he is, could find him if she tried. it means her reaching out with one hand does connect with his cheek, a featherlight touch on his skin that doesn't overly linger, knowing how he had frozen beneath her touch before.
connection, because she can. because she hears what he's afraid of, because there are scars that time can only make bearable, people you were supposed to trust who lied to you, who failed you. but you can't call them horrible for it, not even when they were suffocating to be around. Helena doesn't know how many cuts he has, how deep they go, but she knows pain, and wishes somehow this will help.
where she ends up when she pulls back is her hand on his, and then the other joining it, holding it securely. warmth, that doesn't squeeze or pinch. just noting that his hand is cold, so it can be held. she is making her own decision on who to trust, who to doubt.]
...If you're worried about becoming that sort of person, then you never will become them. Your heart is too strong to fade away.
[breathe, she wants to tell him. it's okay to be uncertain, to be scared. it doesn't mean she's turning around and running away from him because he isn't perfect. scars and all - that's how they are.]
[He can see it coming, breathe out and tell himself it's just Helena. Her hands are warm.]
Poetic...
[It feels like his heart's the opposite of strong, a lot of the time, literally and metaphorically. Or... well if he thinks about it too hard he'll feel like he wants to peel off his skin, like his body doesn't belong to him, so he usually tries not to.]
...Worried about becoming them... That would require I'm not already, ahaha.
[That's what he's worried about. It's been six months since he killed Shin Tsukimi and became Sou Hiyori to the best of his ability, and now he doesn't know who he is, a jagged, mangled mess of both maybe, broken glass and twisted metal of a collision.
Not turning and running away... that's the problem. What does he actually want?]
This is about you, not me, though. If you... had enough, I wouldn't blame you.
[It's a little bit of a nudge, with the repeated refrain, but it really is, in the sense that it has effect on her. She's not some uninvolved outside observer.]
[here, with her cane on the other side, with the door shut on them. still extending trust to him, with her hands warming his. wouldn't be apologizing for using her power on him, promising it wouldn't happen again. she won't break like glass from a harsh word or a misunderstanding.
if he was really an awful person, he wouldn't do the things she does. she doesn't know the extent of Shin Tsukimi, what comprises him in full, but what pieces he allows give a different impression than that jarring, poisonous facade.]
[Maybe it's... just the sort of thing you just can't see, when you're that close, have that trust and loyalty in your heart. Can't say, not to yourself, definitely not to their face. Can't hear, because listening would mean giving it some space of considered truth.
If she's staying the only thing he can do then is his best. To not repeat past mistakes... to not make future ones. To... not be what Sou Hiyori was to him, to her, those who've placed parts of themselves in his hands. It's a terrifying prospect, but there's a kernel of this in his chest, already built up over time, at the core of it. He can do this, because there isn't really another choice he wouldn't hate himself further for.
...If only he had some idea of what he's doing. This whole thing started because he thought lives would be in danger if it didn't. They might still be.]
Guessing you'll be wanting an explanation...
[He doesn't know she's talked with Ranger about this... he knows she must have worked out it was a lie and probably some extrapolations from there, but he owes her the truth. And also... it'll explain why he'd want her to keep it secret herself, now that she knows.]
[at that, her expression goes a little more reserved, almost guilty. she doesn't let go, but he'll get the sense that if she needed to avert her eyes, she would be.]
...No need. I...spoke with Mr. Ranger.
[which is precisely what he said not to do. her own pain didn't negate that, but she hopes he can at least find some understanding as to why.]
[...why is it that feels worse than just smacking him one? Probably because it feels like a betrayal. He knew she's the sort to hunt down the truth, and yet there's a moment where he's very carefully not saying the first, pointed remarks that come to mind.]
...He told you everything? Then I guess I don't need to.
[He mostly said that because he suspected Ranger didn't want to be bothered with requests to use the coffin more that Shin already had been, so if Ranger isn't upset about Helena knowing, then it's not an issue. Still. It's not a great feeling.]
[in the silence, she feels her guilt prickling at her even more acutely. turning like a gear inside her, clicking slowly as it moves. her head bows a little, and she's quiet until his last words, where she nods. she can keep a secret. she's been keeping secrets. this one wasn't a secret she wanted to keep from him - but as to the circumstances, she can lock that up tight.]
I can.
[she hasn't even once slipped in trying to call him Shin when she should be using Sou.]
[She's... plainly feeling bad about it so... that's kind of enough, isn't it? He wouldn't know if she's slipped in saying his name or not, but he did trust her with it, and this is just an extended line of that trust, building that bridge a little further over that chasm.]
They're not in stasis like the other students, but lying low... [Where-ever students go when they go 'home' for the day, as per Shin's insistent instruction.] So it's best if this doesn't get out, ahaha. For two months, at least. Seems people can come back after at least that much, if Inaba's any clue.
[...]
I... one didn't...
[Trust him. And... ended up dying. Shin's been wrestling with people trusting him and being put in danger because of it, it fits in line with how the world works for him, but this hurts in a way he's only felt once before, when everyone placed their trust in someone else he was sure would betray them all in the end, instead of him, who was trying to defeat them. It's... different as well from that again. All he has is the sense that he failed, should have tried better.]
Well, that person I was pretending to be... That must have been what they saw. Prudent, of them...
[she won't minimize this grief he's carrying by telling him it was inevitable, or most of them was still a victory. those are things he knows, things he feels - but this still hurts. it hurts every time you can't save everyone. it doesn't mean that one won't haunt him like a ghost, a chain about his neck.
instead, she'll exist, reaching to take his other hand, and warm that one as well. it's another injury to patch up, to stitch closed. more blood to lose.]
[Well, it's the sort of thing that's said, isn't it? He'll let her hold both his hands, staring down at the kotatsu's wooden top in thought, which means his gaze drifts across her glasses. It's strange when they're usually such a constant fixture on her face.]
You know, I've been wondering why you wear these... Is it for the look? Err... the glasses, sorry.
It's all right. I'm surprised you didn't ask about it sooner...I mean, it's a little silly, isn't it? To wear them when I don't need them. But...they were a gift from my father, the same as my cane.
[though they had come later, more as an accessory to feel confident than for any real purpose. the cane had been essential, was so even when it had felt heavier in her hands, and then these...they had talked about "sharing eyes". leave it to him to make such a metaphor real.]
They're his old ones. He said I looked like a proper scholar with them on - I feel they're more like a good luck charm than anything else.
[So it's not that silly, right? He'd figured it would have been a little rude to ask... but she doesn't seem too bothered by it at least. He understands perfectly, more in bones than heart, the holding onto of objects once someone else's... even if it's complex, because he can't help but wonder given her mention of being trapped behind glass, her understanding of the way he lives not feeling great.]
Your father, huh. Haha, well, he's not wrong about that at least. You do look like you could be a librarian or scientist with them...
[It's a tiny little suspicion... he's been wrong about people before, too. He'll fold it up in wax paper. To someone from his world, the concept of sharing eyes would have been quite sensical if literal, to even greater extent beyond these two ways of perceiving the world.]
Kinda strange, thinking about it... Wonder when they got associated.
[Definitely at the point of Helena's old-timey year if this is any indication. A good luck charm...]
Edited (hm removed a bit i wasn't sure of) Date: 2022-01-06 12:19 pm (UTC)
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notsosou
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 05:20 am (UTC)[There's a flash of fear, hidden as fast as it appears. He can feel the wheel of history repeating, turning.]
...
......
...
You... shouldn't trust anyone, Helena.
[Even he knows that's a bit... much, though. He sounds like an anime villain... but it's important. He still has a chance.]
I-I mean, you should trust people but... it pays to be careful, right? There's some bad people out there. And if they hurt you, if just being around them doesn't feel great a lot of the time... You can keep giving someone chances, and try to be understanding, and make excuses, and they'll... it won't change. They won't. You can only...
[Do what? Shin never found a solution. Far away, someone else's murder he had nothing to do with or knew about stopped it. A well he was throwing himself, piece by piece, down. Trying to pretend Midori was just bad with people, like him, that he didn't know rather than didn't care, worse than didn't care, found it fun... that maybe if Shin was patient enough and his friend enough, he'd understand and get better about it over time, and maybe, this was just what friendship was like?
It took long, painful time to realize it shouldn't be. The full extent of it. Left to inexpertly set the shattered bone himself in an empty apartment, going over it over and over. The creeping horror on realizing something that there might still be more, and that hasn't stopped now that he's dead. Maybe he's a little selfish, in his reluctance to open the box of more puzzle pieces, to let the thing lie dead.
He hopes it's obvious why he doesn't blame her for using the stick on him, why he wouldn't blame her for being sick of having anything to do with him, and why her words and actions now fill him with such ill fear. He really, really does.]
Ahaha, well, doubting others... I said I didn't want you to end up doing that, didn't I? S-sorry. For such a stupid pointless lie.
[He's had a few hours to go over it, hasn't had much of a choice really, and... while it had a point in being told to the school... what was he expecting would happen, telling it to her? He really should have just left or dodged the issue...]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 09:21 am (UTC)connection, because she can. because she hears what he's afraid of, because there are scars that time can only make bearable, people you were supposed to trust who lied to you, who failed you. but you can't call them horrible for it, not even when they were suffocating to be around. Helena doesn't know how many cuts he has, how deep they go, but she knows pain, and wishes somehow this will help.
where she ends up when she pulls back is her hand on his, and then the other joining it, holding it securely. warmth, that doesn't squeeze or pinch. just noting that his hand is cold, so it can be held. she is making her own decision on who to trust, who to doubt.]
...If you're worried about becoming that sort of person, then you never will become them. Your heart is too strong to fade away.
[breathe, she wants to tell him. it's okay to be uncertain, to be scared. it doesn't mean she's turning around and running away from him because he isn't perfect. scars and all - that's how they are.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-01 11:42 pm (UTC)[He can see it coming, breathe out and tell himself it's just Helena. Her hands are warm.]
Poetic...
[It feels like his heart's the opposite of strong, a lot of the time, literally and metaphorically. Or... well if he thinks about it too hard he'll feel like he wants to peel off his skin, like his body doesn't belong to him, so he usually tries not to.]
...Worried about becoming them... That would require I'm not already, ahaha.
[That's what he's worried about. It's been six months since he killed Shin Tsukimi and became Sou Hiyori to the best of his ability, and now he doesn't know who he is, a jagged, mangled mess of both maybe, broken glass and twisted metal of a collision.
Not turning and running away... that's the problem. What does he actually want?]
This is about you, not me, though. If you... had enough, I wouldn't blame you.
[It's a little bit of a nudge, with the repeated refrain, but it really is, in the sense that it has effect on her. She's not some uninvolved outside observer.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-02 05:24 am (UTC)[here, with her cane on the other side, with the door shut on them. still extending trust to him, with her hands warming his. wouldn't be apologizing for using her power on him, promising it wouldn't happen again. she won't break like glass from a harsh word or a misunderstanding.
if he was really an awful person, he wouldn't do the things she does. she doesn't know the extent of Shin Tsukimi, what comprises him in full, but what pieces he allows give a different impression than that jarring, poisonous facade.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-02 06:26 am (UTC)[Maybe it's... just the sort of thing you just can't see, when you're that close, have that trust and loyalty in your heart. Can't say, not to yourself, definitely not to their face. Can't hear, because listening would mean giving it some space of considered truth.
If she's staying the only thing he can do then is his best. To not repeat past mistakes... to not make future ones. To... not be what Sou Hiyori was to him, to her, those who've placed parts of themselves in his hands. It's a terrifying prospect, but there's a kernel of this in his chest, already built up over time, at the core of it. He can do this, because there isn't really another choice he wouldn't hate himself further for.
...If only he had some idea of what he's doing. This whole thing started because he thought lives would be in danger if it didn't. They might still be.]
Guessing you'll be wanting an explanation...
[He doesn't know she's talked with Ranger about this... he knows she must have worked out it was a lie and probably some extrapolations from there, but he owes her the truth. And also... it'll explain why he'd want her to keep it secret herself, now that she knows.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-02 06:57 am (UTC)...No need. I...spoke with Mr. Ranger.
[which is precisely what he said not to do. her own pain didn't negate that, but she hopes he can at least find some understanding as to why.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-02 10:25 pm (UTC)[...why is it that feels worse than just smacking him one? Probably because it feels like a betrayal. He knew she's the sort to hunt down the truth, and yet there's a moment where he's very carefully not saying the first, pointed remarks that come to mind.]
...He told you everything? Then I guess I don't need to.
[He mostly said that because he suspected Ranger didn't want to be bothered with requests to use the coffin more that Shin already had been, so if Ranger isn't upset about Helena knowing, then it's not an issue. Still. It's not a great feeling.]
Can you keep a secret, Helena?
[Do you understand why it's important, in turn?]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-03 12:53 am (UTC)I can.
[she hasn't even once slipped in trying to call him Shin when she should be using Sou.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-03 04:25 am (UTC)[She's... plainly feeling bad about it so... that's kind of enough, isn't it? He wouldn't know if she's slipped in saying his name or not, but he did trust her with it, and this is just an extended line of that trust, building that bridge a little further over that chasm.]
They're not in stasis like the other students, but lying low... [Where-ever students go when they go 'home' for the day, as per Shin's insistent instruction.] So it's best if this doesn't get out, ahaha. For two months, at least. Seems people can come back after at least that much, if Inaba's any clue.
[...]
I... one didn't...
[Trust him. And... ended up dying. Shin's been wrestling with people trusting him and being put in danger because of it, it fits in line with how the world works for him, but this hurts in a way he's only felt once before, when everyone placed their trust in someone else he was sure would betray them all in the end, instead of him, who was trying to defeat them. It's... different as well from that again. All he has is the sense that he failed, should have tried better.]
Well, that person I was pretending to be... That must have been what they saw. Prudent, of them...
...
no subject
Date: 2022-01-03 08:54 am (UTC)[she won't minimize this grief he's carrying by telling him it was inevitable, or most of them was still a victory. those are things he knows, things he feels - but this still hurts. it hurts every time you can't save everyone. it doesn't mean that one won't haunt him like a ghost, a chain about his neck.
instead, she'll exist, reaching to take his other hand, and warm that one as well. it's another injury to patch up, to stitch closed. more blood to lose.]
no subject
Date: 2022-01-04 04:53 am (UTC)[Well, it's the sort of thing that's said, isn't it? He'll let her hold both his hands, staring down at the kotatsu's wooden top in thought, which means his gaze drifts across her glasses. It's strange when they're usually such a constant fixture on her face.]
You know, I've been wondering why you wear these... Is it for the look? Err... the glasses, sorry.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-04 05:08 am (UTC)[though they had come later, more as an accessory to feel confident than for any real purpose. the cane had been essential, was so even when it had felt heavier in her hands, and then these...they had talked about "sharing eyes". leave it to him to make such a metaphor real.]
They're his old ones. He said I looked like a proper scholar with them on - I feel they're more like a good luck charm than anything else.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-06 12:14 pm (UTC)[So it's not that silly, right? He'd figured it would have been a little rude to ask... but she doesn't seem too bothered by it at least. He understands perfectly, more in bones than heart, the holding onto of objects once someone else's... even if it's complex, because he can't help but wonder given her mention of being trapped behind glass, her understanding of the way he lives not feeling great.]
Your father, huh. Haha, well, he's not wrong about that at least. You do look like you could be a librarian or scientist with them...
[It's a tiny little suspicion... he's been wrong about people before, too. He'll fold it up in wax paper. To someone from his world, the concept of sharing eyes would have been quite sensical if literal, to even greater extent beyond these two ways of perceiving the world.]
Kinda strange, thinking about it... Wonder when they got associated.
[Definitely at the point of Helena's old-timey year if this is any indication. A good luck charm...]